THORN IN THE FLESH

INCREASE YOUR WORD POWER

2010-08-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

Add these words to your vocabulary.

STUPODIC- Stupid and Idiotic.
JEET-Have you eaten?
PROLE-Prick and an A__Hole.
TWITTIOT-Dumb Twitterer.
TEXTARD-Slow texter.
UNASLACKER-Organized worker.
REPUBLACRAT-Corrupt politician.
BUSHESSFALT-A poor excuse for a screw up.

SHORT BUS

2010-08-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

I was recently at an event that required loading and unloading crowds of people on and off shuttle buses. I noticed two things. Apparently these adults had never rode a bus before (Mommy and Daddy must have driven them to school). Secondly, the people responsible for loading the buses had never loaded buses before. The buses took forever to load and unload. The loadees were slow in "finding" a seat and the loaders kept losing count of the people that boarded the bus and were constantly checking for empty seats.

Read and learn: If you are a loadee fill every seat from the back of the bus to the front. You are not taking a cross country Greyhound bus so you don't need a window seat and the person next to you doesn't want to sit with you either. Unload the bus front to back. If you are a loader remind the loadees that those that fail to comply will have to wait for the "Short Bus".

Country Song Titles

2010-01-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

Double wide Bride.
If you come for my gun you'll get the bullets.
My Love's up on blocks with my truck.
I'm just roadkill on the back roads of life.
Can I try out my new gun on that towel on your head?
Have you been cheat'n with your cousin again?
Has our love died or is the deer meat spoiled?
I'd go fishin' but you ate the worms.

The Pet Shop

2010-01-24T15:13:00.000-08:00

There once was unpopular pet store owner who retired and sold his store to a new owner. The new owner made many promises about changes he was going to make to the store and the people became very excited. The first to change was the cat department. The previous owner had a very small cat department and the new owner set his mind to monopolize the cat market as he wanted everyone to buy a cat from. In his advertisements he complained that other pet stores overcharged for cats and made too much profit making it hard for everyone to own a cat (event those who don't want one) . In order to increase his own profits he bought skunks cheaply, painted them, and sold them as cats.

The people were not fooled. They knew something stunk. You see, even though they would complain about the price an services of other pet stores they were generally happy and knew the pet stores in their area were the envy of other cities. In fact, the city to the north of them had only one pet store where the cats were more expensive, of poor quality, and had long waits to get one. The people of the northern city would often travel south for their cats.

Whenever people saw the new owner they would try to tell him he was making a mistake . However the owner was egotistical and stubborn and listened only to his employees, Curley, Larry, and Moe. At the end of his first year as owner he had lost this popularity and a ton of money. Instead of admitting his mistake he assumed the people were fools. His solution was to increase his advertising budget. Something tells me that when his lease runs out in 3 years there will be a new owner.

What Does Jesus Smell Like?

2010-01-19T13:51:00.000-08:00

I have an "I Love Jesus" air freshener in the car. Now is the smell of this air freshener supposed to smell like Jesus like a Wild Berry air freshener supposed to smell like wild berries-whatever they are. Or is the fragrance the one Jesus loves best? Who did the research? Paul? The Gnostics?

Many celebrities have colognes with their names on it. Does Jesus have a cologne or after shave? Wouldn't it be nice to splash on some Jesus in the morning. Would it help you act like him throughout the day? Would people smell you coming and make straight the path? Or would you just stink up the day like usual?

The Light

2009-11-08T17:11:00.000-08:00

Your day may be going great. Life is good. Your driving down the road and then it happens. The "light". No not that "LIGHT". The light that comes deep from the bowels of HELL. Yes. The "Check Engine" light. This Black Cloud perpetrated by environMENTALnazis with the help of GoreVERMENt. Mercy me, were putting a few extra carbon molecules in the air. It's good for the trees. Here is what "Check Engine" means to Mechanics in other languages.

Spanish-"Mucho Dinero"
Swedish- "Wekan Screwdem"
Italian-"Forwekada Fixa"
German-"Volks Dummkopf"
Asian-"Cha Ching"
Arabic-"Akkar Jihad"

Gotta go. My personal check engine light just came on. Spewing toxic emissions again.

The End

2009-08-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

I have use this blog as a vehicle to remove the thoughts rolling around in my head like a bunch of marbles. To that end it has served me well. Unfortunately I come to the realization that my opinions are not shared by others. Where I see black everyone else (not some but everyone) sees white. I'm left to conclude that there is a defect in my thought process. Not wanting to continue exposing my defect I have decided to end this writing. Silence is golden. My humble apologies to anyone I have offended.

And that's the way it is.....

Red And White Is Black And White

2009-07-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

I can never remember are the red states the ones on the coasts or are they the blue ones-too abstract for me to remember. I need a better way to remember. Some ideas.

Motorcycle States/Kayak States.
Pickup Truck States/Prius States.
Beef Jerky States/Tofu States.
Pumping Iron States/Pilates States.
NASCAR States/Polo States.
Beer States/Wine States.
American States/Un-American States.
God States/Godless States.

Sometimes You Want To Shoot The TV

2009-07-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

I recently watched a revisionist crapudrama on PBS (Predominately Bullie Sheette') called The War Of The World about WWII. This show advertised that it would "challenge our enduring assumptions" about the war. My question is how does this dung that portrays itself as factual make it on TV? The first surprise to me was that the war was not good vs evil but evil vs lessor evil(I assume WE were at least the lessor evil). This was because we fought with and aided Stalin's Russia. No doubt Stalin was the poster child of evil but how did it make the Brits and us evil?? How does helping the Russian people from slaughter in the hands of the German army make us evil?

The next "Challenge", and the one that made my blood boil was theory that the Japanese fought to the last man even though the cause was lost was because the Americans would brutalize Japanese prisoners. As proof they showed footage of the killing of a wounded Japanese soldier and some naked Japanese POW's. To be fair, I'm sure there was a lot brutalization on our side but why no mention of the raping and pillaging of Chinese citizens by Japanese soldiers. No mention of the "Bataan Death March" -15,000 prisoners died along the way. I bet the Marines who fought at Bougainville, Tarawa, or Iwo Jima would have a story about Japanese brutality. Why no mention? This was an unbelievable insult to the Marines who fought in the Pacific. This is just wrong. Shame on you PBS!

Tour de Farce

2009-07-19T04:10:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed more bicyclist riding around lately, not the average Joe, but guys in full spandex uniform? That's because that big bike race is going on in France. For years the French hated Ance Larmstrong because he won all the time and he was American. Then he retired and no one here paid any attention to that race. Talk about a love/hate relationship.

As for Ance, I guess he couldn't take retirement. He started the wristband craze. He divorced his wife, who helped him through his cancer, to date teenagers. And now he is a spokesman a miracle pill whose advertisement pops up on your computer. Apparently non of this brought contentment. Only one thing can satisfy in this life. With everything else your just spinning your wheels.

No Grammy Winner

2009-07-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard or read about some kid who grew up to be a good citizen in spite of the fact his mother and father were deadbeats/drunks/druggies/whores or in prison? And how many times has the reason the child turned out well was because of the grandmother raising him? Part of it was that grandma was more mature because of her age but mostly it was because she grew up in a time when there was right and wrong and going to church/belief in God was the norm and passed this on to the child. I predict less of these children will be "saved" as today's women become grand mothers because they have no such foundation to pass along. Society will be worse off then it already is.

Ethnic Redneck

2009-06-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

While using an empty minestrone soup can to fix my lawn mower I came to the realization that I was an Italian Redneck. You too might be an Italian Redneck if:

-the wife beater undershirt you wear around the house has spaghetti sauce stains on it.
-your porch couch still has the plastic on it.
-the car up on blocks in the front of the house is a black Lincoln.
-the flavor of your chewing tobacco is roasted garlic.
-you have a tattoo that says "Momma".
-you marry your cousin who is 35 years old, lives upstairs with her parents and has a mustache.
-your brother's name is Vito and your other brother's name is Vito.
-you just bought a new 8 track player for your Mario Lanza tapes.

Fear This!

2009-06-27T05:35:00.000-07:00

Driving behind a tree hugger's car that had the usual bumpaliberalsimplesolutionstickers like a pretty rainbow, current President and one that said: "Fight Terrorism-Stop Being Afraid". Really? That's it? What really caused 9/11 was that we were afraid? During the depression Roosevelt said we had nothing to fear but fear itself. Turns out we had a lot to fear, from that paper hanger in Germany to those planes flying over Pearl Harbor one Sunday in December. I bet those men lying on the blood soaked beach at Normandy were afraid but something tells me they would still would have died. If only those Jews hadn't been afraid as they were escorted to the gas chamber. Not fearing God will not save you from a most unpleasant end. Fear is a God given emotion to help keep us alive in a world with some very bad people. If your at my door trying to break in in the middle of the night I really don't care if you are not afraid. You are still going to get lit up like a Christmas tree.

The Graduate

2009-06-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

I passed the motorcycle rider course last weekend-They must have dumbed it down. The class consisted of women and girlie men. I guess real men don't need no stinking class. I've been looking for some more riding apparel like a muscle shirt. Seems to me that the shirt should come with muscles. I have no tats but I could show off my polio vaccine scar. I was looking at some riding pants that covered everything but the buttocks. Honestly, not a good look for an old sagging caboose. I decided clothes were not going to make me look like a tough biker dude so I went over to the gun department to accessorize.

Father's Day

2009-06-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

Well another Father's day has come and gone. You know, that day when some pastors elect to throw fathers under the bus and children give cards to their Dads filled with lies about how great Dads they are. You have to wonder what God was thinking. He takes depraved people and tells them to breed and nurture more depraved people. Parents are doomed from the start.

Prayer Warriors?

2009-06-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

How many times have you seen or heard people in the media tell someone that has experienced a loss or some devastation that their thoughts and prayers are with them. Really? Do they really pray for them? To whom do they pray? Many of these people are anti- God or anti-Christ. If they don't believe in God who can help the person they are supposedly praying for? I bet they say that because they can't think of anything else to say because secularism is spiritually bankrupt. I've thought of some things for them to say that is more in line with their "beliefs".

"That's too bad, your screwed."
"Wow! Glad that didn't happen to me."
"Dude, Your bringing me down man."
"That's just a bad chance combination of molecules."
"Stop feeling bad. Life is meaningless."
"I got nothin."

Canadian Bacon

2009-06-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

I stopped to purchase some worms to do some fishing. Across the street was a hardware store so I decided I might as well pick up some dirt that I needed for the yard. It was then that I realized it wasn't the Chinese but our neighbors to the north that are trying to destroy us by undermining our economy. You see, the worms I purchased were "Canadian Crawlers" and the dirt was Canadian. My eyes were now open. That's why the National Hockey League expanded to so many cities in the US. Sleeper cells of Canadians honing their fighting skills on the ice and paid for it in American currency. That's why the Montreal baseball team moved to Washington DC and took the name of "Nationals". Watch them play one game and it is obvious they are not baseball players! They have been genetically altering Canadian Geese so they spend all year here polluting our water and bringing down our planes. Their scheme is now coming to fruition as the loonie has been moving toward equity with the US dollar in the last two months. More importantly, the Canadian socialized medicine virus has infected our president. Should it spread it would deal the final death blow to our economy. We would be unable to withstand an invasion from a country with the majority of the population in close proximity to our border. They would then have free access to REAL bacon. Hold on to your toques! Anyone know the lyrics to "O Canada" eh?

This And That

2009-06-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

When life give you manna make manicotti.

I found shark teeth in my washing machine.

The guy that invented the Cheese Doodle is a genius.

The guy that coined the adage that if you fall off a horse you need to get right back up on one never rode a motorcycle.

The Infinite Is Not Enough?

2009-06-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

Bible studies are invaluable in that they usually trigger personal revelations. The current one dominating my thought process is that I go through each day with the attitude that God is NOT enough physically and mentally. Every time I long for what I don't have or envy those that do I'm really saying "God, I like you but your just not enough for me". More than that, every time I'm angry over some perceived slight or someone has not treated me fairly, I'm really saying "God I need you AND I also need everything to go well for me, people to treat me with respect and on and on..". Not only am I saying God is not enough I am rejecting God. Ouch!

Trouble Ahead

2009-06-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that the once slim Chinese waitresses at my local buffet are packing on the pounds. No they haven't been taking an extra turn at the buffet or sneaking off to Mickey D's. They have been forced to stand around because business has been off (even though I'm doing my part). The government should include the average weight of a Chinese buffet waitress in its list of economic indicators. Call it the COW (Chinese buffet Oriental waitress Weight average). I can hear the 5 o'clock news now. "Stocks dipped lower today on news that the COW ballooned to 225 pounds". By the looks of it we are in for a deep depression.

Random Thoughts

2009-05-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

I saw a picture of Jesus and he looked like Errol Flynn in the movie Robin Hood. Pasty white complexion and big grin. Hollywood Jesus. He looked nothing like a guy headed for a cross.

In the old days we had corporal punishment and people feared Hell. Now we put kids in time out. Is that why there is less fear of hell? Do we think that when we die we will be sent to our room??

I'd love to meet the guy who thought of mixing green olives and pimentos with baloney. Sheer genius.

Mulchology 101/Womenology 599

2009-05-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

When you think about it, mulch is essentially plant manure. So when the wife and I took the 1988 rusted out conversion van to the local mulch pile and filled it with mulch it became the manure wagon that we had been calling it all along. While there, the true nature of women became known to me. The notion that women love gardening is false. Women use gardening as a tool to get what they really want. Mulch. Women will discuss in detail the size and quality of their mulch and no matter how much mulch a women has, she always wants more. Mulch is like catnip to a woman. Women will mark their territory at a mulch pile if other women are there and if anyone trespasses she may end up head first in a mulch bin. There is something about the smell of rotting organic matter that women cannot resist. Some inhale so much they become "mulch faced". Great idea for a men's cologne.

Engaging In Safe Cycle

2009-05-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

After a personal encounter with church parking lot asphalt I thought it prudent to purchase some protective equipment. God's protection does not extend beyond the 4 walls of the church? First was a snug fitting helmet that made my cheeks look like a squirrel that had just found the mother lode. Then was a protective jacket. Did you know that they have protective ratings? I chose the one rated RSB--"Road Side Bomb". The label says that the jacket "breaths" and while that may be true the wearer is left gasping for air in 90 degree heat. I still need to stop at the Catholic store to pick up some St Christopher statues to tape all over the bike. While I'm there I'll also pick up a St Joseph statue.....For when I sell it.

Get Your Motor Running

2009-05-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Finally bought a motorcycle. Took me awhile to find one with training wheels. We passed by motorcycle shop and the wife commented that I should get a Kowalski. Must be a Polish manufacturer. I wanted to get one that made me look like a "Bad Dude" riding it instead I look like the "Girley Man" I am. Nonetheless I'm very excited. My friend took me out and taught me the low speed crash. I'm reevaluating our relationship. I did learn that my skin is no match for asphalt. When I tell anyone I fell they laugh. Why?

Church Buffet

2009-05-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

Buffets are great. You can pick what you want and as much as you want and get it fast. I vacationed recently in the buffet capitol of the south and left no plate unfilled. In addition to buffets this southern city had a church on every corner. When most people go on vacation they also take a vacation from church. I like to drop in and see how other churches do it. Down south you could find some church somewhere doing something every night of the week. Where I come from they have one service a week. It may be Saturday night and two or three times on Sunday morning but It's the same service. The funny thing about buffets is that 6 hours later-no matter how much you eat-you are hungry again. One hour on Sunday doesn't satisfy for the whole week.

Rock'n With The Oldies

2009-04-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

I recently stayed at hotel where I was the youngest person there-and I knew Moses. All rooms were equipped with WiFi and a defibrillator. Really, I'd like to have the wrinkle cream concession. In the sun they applied Ben Gay with SPF 45. The sign by the pool that said "No Diapers" wasn't just for babies. Speaking of the pool I expected to find a cocoon in it one morning. When a man reaches a certain age he really needs to wear a full body bathing suit. The up side was that by 3 pm they were gone-dinner time. In a few years this blog will not seem as funny.

Hey Darwin, Explain This

2009-04-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

For some time I've been studying women shopping and being on vacation afforded me a wonderful opportunity to conclude my study. Results to be published in "Just Shoot Me Now" magazine. I've concluded that the female shopping urge is not a mutant gene as previously thought but a curse God put on Adam. The literal Greek translation says that after the fall God said to Adam "You will hold her purse and she will strike your wallet". I believe that in heaven woman will still be able to shop but men will have a lounge chair with beer on tap and a wide screen TV but for now I'll sit here watching her shop. Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.

Your Serve

2009-04-29T04:48:00.000-07:00

On a recent trip down south I had the opportunity to visit the church whose pastor had spent a few months in a Russian prison for bringing in rifle bullets for a friend's antique gun. Doh! I don't know why but when I visit the south I start talking with a southern accent (Thank Ewe) and I feel my IQ drop 20 points. Anyway, this pastor is an older, folksy guy who could get his point across clearly in 15 minutes which was good because the whole church was going out to clean up a park after service. His topic was faith and works and how a church or person earns the right to be herd through works. I have a friend that has earned the right to have a podium with a microphone built for him. Recently, a church in my area has hired people to run programs that had been previously done by volunteers. If you get paid for it is that serving? Shouldn't service begin at home? If we don't foster an attitude of service within the church what is the chance of service outside? You have the right to remain silent.........

All Hat, No Cattle

2009-04-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Since I've gotten my motorcycle learner's permit I think my personality is changing. I keep looking at leather clothing-jacket,pants, vest, gloves, hat. I passed on the leather Speedo. I feel myself getting more surly than I already am-if that is possible. I don't feel like shaving and have been overeating (who ever heard of a skinny rider). I've been talking to strange bikers who have the capability to separate my heart form the rest of my body. So far I've resisted the urge to get a tat. All leather, no cycle.

Second Course

2009-04-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

Restaurants of every ethnicity are popping up. The most interesting one I saw recently was one that advertised Ethiopian cuisine. First off isn't "Ethiopian food" an oxymoron? What are their specialties, Dried Flies? Starvation Belly Beans? CARE Package roasted over a camel dung fire? I suppose this is would be a hit with the with the trendy LA anorexic crowd. Don't drink the water-If they have any.

First Course

2009-04-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

I went to Chinese buffet for the fourth time in 10 days (a personal best!) This place gets bus loads of Asians. They must be checking their new American acquisitions. Now one would think that food in general and Chinese food in particular would be no big deal to them. Not so grasshopper. Never stand between them and a Mongolian grill least you become wanton meat. Apparently they not only have they purchased most of America but have adopted our rude and crass ways. I'm very polite to them cuz one day they may be my landlord.

Bitter Herbs

2009-04-17T05:45:00.000-07:00

Often the most piercing topics that come up during Bible study are those that are not the main focus of the particular book or passage being studied. One such topic that came up last week was bitterness, a subject I pride myself on. In fact I have a masters with high honors (likta kicka yabutta) from Screw U.. Topics included:
"Hatchets-Proper burial on your adversary's anatomy."
"Churches-You always hurt the ones your supposed to love."
"Pastors-Making the most of a beat down."
"Festering-Care and feeding."
"Bon Appetit-How to best serve revenge."
"True Forgiveness-Exploring the myth."
"Time Heals-How to pick the scab."
"Live and Let Live-Why?"

Rationally, we know that bitterness is self destructive however I believe, like any other harmful addiction, that it must stimulate some pleasure center of the brain otherwise we wouldn't hold on to it. I wonder if they could make a patch for that.

Crucifixion-The Musical

2009-04-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

I went to an Easter musical put on by a local church. Great job by everyone involved so this is not a criticism of the performance. I just wonder if this is the best use of an Easter service. Since you have people who rarely or never go to church in attendance shouldn't you clearly tell the story? A musical is fine for those of us who know the story but most people that put together these musicals try to tell the story from different angles. It is like knowing the story of an opera. While enjoying the music you can kinda follow what is going on but if you don't know the story your lost and confused. We already have enough lost and confused people. Shouldn't we tell it straight before the fat lady sings? Or the trumpet sounds?

Sorry State Of Affairs

2009-04-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how few people apologise at work? My behavior gives me ample opportunity and I force myself each time time to apologise. I must be blessed working with perfect people because I can't remember one time when a coworker apologised to me. Have you herd your pastor apologise? Isn't our country lucky to have a President that can say he is sorry on behalf of all of us? Why just last week he apologised to the French about our arrogance. Which was appropriate because if there is one thing French know it would be arrogance. While this was a good first step he didn't go far enough. Let me now make the apologises that the President missed.

I'm sorry for saving your Brie stinkin' buttocks and the world from Nazi Germany and Japan and then have the audacity to ask for a small piece of land to bury our dead.

I'm sorry for rebuilding Western Europe after the war.

I'm sorry that you can't call each other comrades because we had the intestinal fortitude to defeat the Evil Empire.

I'm sorry you don't have the rocks to stand up to two-bit despots.

I'm sorry for asking for your help in fighting enemies that threaten the both of us.

I'm sorry if we embarrass you when we send aid to disaster areas and you conspicuously do not.

I'm sorry if I left anything out but I'm sure you will remind us.

Name Game

2009-04-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how churches give cute names to the programs they have? For example, the program for youth in a church could be called "The River" or an adult Bible study could be called "Oasis". Large churches probably have paid staff whose job it is to think up cool cryptic names. I was in church today looking at the lists of programs and the times they met and didn't have any idea what those programs were about. "The Rock" meets at 10:30 Sundays in the basement. What is that? A Bible study led by an ex wrestler? How about giving programs a name that gives a clue about what it's about?

"Depends"- A Bible study for the elderly.
"The Wild Bunch"- Jr High class.
"House"-Support group for the boorish and sarcastic.
"Yes Men"-Elders meeting.
"Girlie Men"-Male sensitivity training.
"Grammy"-Worship band practice.
"Stimulus Package"-Budget meeting.
"Gossip Column"-Woman's Bible study.
"On Our Dime"-Missions Board meeting.
"The Palace"-Building Committee Meeting.
"Kahunaville"-Children's Sunday School. (Inside joke)
"Thorn In The Flesh"-Meeting for those addicted to poking the Church.

Accounting in the 21st Centuary-Deux

2009-04-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

One would think after the criminal acts banks and financial institutions perpetrated, Government would strengthen regulations to insure banks would report the true value of their assets. Not true John Screwed Public. Turns out the Government will allow banks to assess the value of the houses on their books at the value they would sell at during "normal times" (read unrealistic inflated value) and not the true value of what they would sell for in current depressed housing market thus over inflating the value of bank assets. Brazen.

Accounting In The 21st Century

2009-03-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

They were interviewing a delusional CEO of a major chain of amusement parks the other day. He claimed -with a straight face-that despite the economy he believed more people would come to his parks this year. He went on to brag about the job he did in that they upgraded the parks and still made a profit last year. It turns out that this year they would have to start paying back the millions of dollars they had borrowed to upgrade the parks and they had no money to pay those lenders. What kind of Voodoo accounting practice allows you to claim a profit when you owe a payment in the millions? He went on to say that the lenders would "have to" make concessions and allowances. If he tried this in my old neighborhood he would "HAVE TO" pay his loan back On Time. His other options being to have his fingers broken or to sleep with the fish.

Uneasy Rider

2009-03-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

I went down to the local DMV (another example of Hell on earth) to obtain a motorcycle learner's permit. I had to take a test that had 2 questions about motorcycles and the rest was about alcohol and road signs-and they gave you the road signs. So I pay for the license and I start to wonder what am I allowed to do with this? Turns out I have to ride with another motorcycle that has to be within 1/4 mile of me. Now what good does that do? Is he there to scrape me off the pavement? Could I hear him if he shouts "careful"? Am I a pot hole spotter?
-D. Hopper

Spring Fever

2009-03-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

My friends and coworkers have been encouraging me to get a motorcycle which leads me to two questions. Are they really my friends and do my coworkers hate me that much? I'm not sure if it's spring fever or dementia but I am seriously thinking about it. I guess that's what guys my age do. I mean whats left. I'm too old to enlist in the Marines, too honest to run for political office, too right wing reactionary to teach, too thorn in the flesh to be involved in church and not smart enough for Mensa but I can join a motorcycle "gang". At this point in my life it's time to give back-heart, kidney, lungs. Our motto could be "Geezers donating life-one organ at a time".

Bad Sign

2009-03-22T04:11:00.000-07:00

A sign in front of the local Planned Unparenthood shows a picture of a young girl with the caption "We are fighting for her rights". Which really means they are fighting to keep themselves in business, no altruism here. Why would they use a young girl on the sign when a few years earlier they would have thought nothing of sucking the life out of her? What about his rights? What about my rights? Shouldn't gun stores be fighting for my right to whack someone?

Multiple Choice

2009-03-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

When the pastor of a church with a very small paid staff hires his son is it called:

A. Nepotism.
B. Controlling.
C. Inbreeding.
D. All of the above.

Bonus Question: How many elders would vote against it?

Was that a bit harsh?

Not My Job Department

2009-03-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently one evening at the place of my employment they had some cake and ice cream. They used 1 scooper and 2 cake cutters and left them on the counter with ice cream and cake still on them. After a few days I was going to take 5 minutes to wash them but instead I decided to put them on the "Slob Watch" and see how many days it takes before someone washes them. Today is day #8. Such a model for our society. Enjoy the pleasures but leave others to clean up your mess.

Seasons Greeting!

2009-03-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

I walked to my car this morning to the smell of rotting worms on the driveway. Yes, we are now into the Worm season. People comment how lucky we are to experience the four seasons in my area. Those people either don't live here or need to be heavily medicated. Actually we have more than four seasons. As mentioned, we are currently in the Worm season/AKA Rainy Season (Spring is a mythical season in these parts). Soon we will be starting Indian Winter. We have the same weather for the Memorial Day Parade as St Patrick's Day. Waiting for Summer is like waiting for the Second Coming, Nobody knows the hour or the day. Follow that with Rainy Season "B".

Late August signals State Fair /Sausage and Pepper season. In this season you eat things from vendors you would never dream of and other time of the year. Also called "Intestinal Clean Out" which leads into the Leaf Raking season which precedes the "What Happened To Fall" season, Indian Winter then Rainy season "C".

Then starts the Endless Winter season. This is where God gives us a glimpse of spending eternity in hell. EW has many sub-seasons. WIESS-Will It Ever Stop Snowing/ESAD-Everlasting Seasonal Affective Disorder/PMS-Please Make it Stop!/VD-Vitamin D deficiency/BS-Black Snowbank seasons to name a few. I'd never live down south however-snakes and bugs.

Visiting The Office

2009-03-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

We took a quick trip Scranton PA, home of "The Office". It seemed like a nice place to live. From where I was I could see 4 beautiful Greek Orthodox churches. I would wonder how full they are these days. Many people were in from out of town for their big St. Patrick's Day parade including a sweet grandmother dressed in green wondering how may cases of beer would be enough. Why would people come from out of town you ask. Could they not drink enough beer at their own local tavern?? Apparently, the good people of Scranton have New Orleans envy because this parade is part Mardi Gras. I was warned that certain parts of the parade route are not family friendly. Nothing like public lewdness to draw a crowd. I suppose it would be too cold to "Bare one's soul" earlier in the year. I wonder if grandma got some beads?

Churchonomic Stimulus Package

2009-03-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

My friend informed me that his affluent church had an art "show" last week with 10% of the money from the sales being "donated" (can you say kickback) to the church. (Do they have art "shows" at poor inner city churches?) He was fine with this but took exception when the paintings were again displayed on Sunday WITH price tags. He proceeded to overturn the money changers themselves with a biting sarcasm that the rest of us could only aspire to. Next week he vowed to bring lambs and doves to sell. Personally, I think his velvet Elvis paintings would sell better.

I understand that in these hard economic times even an affluent Church needs to find ways to raise money. Especially the non bingo denominations. (Don't ask them to tighten up their budget as EVERY program is vital.) At one time they could have gone corporate. Like having the Swoosh logo on the collection bags. Or naming rights such as the Pepsi Thirst Baptist Church or the Tostitos Church of God. Now with advertising budgets slashed churches will look elsewhere. Can you say slippery slope? Thankfully there are some people who still believe God's house is a house of prayer and are willing to say so.

Basketball Observations.

2009-03-04T11:04:00.000-08:00

We were fortunate to get some free tickets to our Liberal University basketball game. While sitting in the stands I noticed people had filled up garbage bags with them. Now I know they didn't come in with them full so they can't be game snacks. Since people are generally pigs I'm sure they didn't collect garbage. Turns out people put their coats in the bags to keep them clean during the game. This goes along with another local custom of the shoe bag. In the winter you bring your shoes in a bag where ever you go.

In addition to cheerleaders they had a "dance team". Apparently there were too many anorectic girls for the cheerleader squad. Their "dance" consisted of one provocative move after another. All they needed was a pole. Great example for the young males in the crowd.

Strengthen Your Church Vocabulary

2009-02-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

Uchurchitopia-A church with good preaching, worship, prayer, fellowship. (Come on. Can it really be that hard to find?)

Churchitarian Diet-Also called the church pot luck supper diet. (very little meat).

Pastoractorization-What happens to pastors when their sermons are video web cast.

Worshiperformatitis-An infection that spreads among worship leaders caused by the lookatamia bacteria. The only cure is large doses of humility vaccine.

Eliminate The Middle Man

2009-02-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

These hard economic times demand that we rethink how we do things. For years our government has urinated away so much money that the figure would boggle even Carl Sagan's godless mind. And who would have to be burdened with picking up the tab for this? Our children. Since our children will have to pay for what we overspend now, I have a plan streamline it. Want a new HDTV or laptop? Take out a credit card under your child's name. Can't pay that mortgage? Sign your child's name to a promissory note. Are you elderly with mounting medical expenses? Write a Reverse Will. When you die the children give their money to your estate. One can easily see the benefits of this.

No bureaucracy-get your money faster.
You get the things you want not what the government wants to give you.
No siphoning off some of the money for politicians or big corporations.
Encourages large families. (also helps support social security).
Encourages children to get a job.

More Facts- Less Nessman

2009-01-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

If you remember the old TV series WKRP then you remember Les Nessman. The radio news reporter nerd that couldn't pronounce names of sports figures. Think Chi Chi Rodriguez. As luck would have it our local christian radio station has a very nice announcer that also butchers spots figures names. A national Christian station has a couple who must suffer from Jethro Bodineitis. One example. When announcing that it was Benedict Arnold's birthday she said she didn't know who that was and he said "Give me liberty or give me death". I laugh but I also cringe. Are Christians perceived as dumb because of what we believe? I think so. And we are!

I would say that most Christians cannot give a coherent, rational reason for what they believe or be able to engage in debate and defend the faith. Not to convince or evangelise -only God can do that-but to combat the lies. To "Give an answer". Apologetics. How many people even know what that means? How many churches offer courses in this? Are people to learn this on their own? Is there any church out there with the testicular fortitude to require members take a course in Apologetics? The Church sends out lambs for slaughter in the philosophical wars. We send our young to Goliath University without so much as a slingshot to defend themselves only to come back in spiritual body bags. Like solders we are called to duty in our communities and workplaces yet our church generals fail to give us body armor and guns that don't jam.

We urinated away our chance to enlighten others and strengthen the Christian world view when we were a Christian nation. Instead, we were seduced by our wealth, went to bed with the whore of complacency and woke up prisoners in our own country. Our God commands our best in everything. We Christians should be the sharpest tool in the shed. This really wouldn't be a hard goal considering the other tools.

Annie Get Your Gun

2009-01-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

I think the economy is on the verge of collapsing. When we went through the depression of 1929 we were a Christian nation. Now we will find out how a unchristian nation handles a depression. Gun sales are up. This should be interesting.

The NGA (New Gaay Agenda) Bible

2009-01-27T17:29:00.000-08:00

Our local Gaay Agenda University will be hosting a talk given by a "Religion" editor for Madeupnewsweek magazine. Her premise is that the Bible endorses gaay marriage. She cites the relationship between David and Jonathan as an example. I've read many versions of the Bible and have never interpreted the relationship as anything but man friends. I wonder if anyone in the audience will challenge her. Cows.

Back Alley Smoking

2009-01-26T15:52:00.000-08:00

A while back my place of employment announced that smoking will no longer be permitted on the property. Smokers argued that if smoking were outlawed on the property people would resort to dangerous back alley smoking. Nonetheless, smoking was outlawed and some smokers did find comfort in the back alley. I'm sure that smoking in the cold and rain resulted in some sickness. The majority however either quit smoking or reduced the amount they smoked and in the long run lives will be saved.

The Purposeless Driven Prayer

2009-01-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

Did anyone understand that mumbo jumbo of a prayerspeach given by the pastor of Sadlesore Church at the President's inauguration today? I know that God can understand us in our groaning but he must have needed subtitles for that one. How hard is it to pray for the new President? The only thing worse was the Chief Justice butchering the Oath of Office. Amateur hour.

The Ponz

2009-01-18T16:37:00.000-08:00

The Ponzi scheme has been in the news a lot lately. Even Mr. Bacon will have to start bringing home more bacon. We will be seeing a lot more Bacon "bits". The scheme is named after Charles Ponzi. Sure, blame the Italian. The scheme was actually expressed in a Dickens novel long before "The Ponz" was born. Shouldn't it be called a "Dickens Scheme"? Then you could ask: "What the dickens were you thinking about when, in your greed, you handed all that money over to someone you didn't know"? Examples of Ponzi schemes:
1. Social Security (The Roosevelt scheme).
2. Pension Funds (The Hoffa scheme) .
3. Subprime Mortgages (The Clinton/Frank scheme).

Global Warming-Please!

2009-01-17T18:13:00.000-08:00

We have been locked into very very cold weather for awhile now. Since I hate the cold I've been trying to think of ways to snap this cold spell. You know the Indians did rain dances to make it rain. I can't dance. The early pioneers would set off explosions to kick up dust to "seed the clouds". The neighbors would object. So I have been buying up aerosol cans that contain PFC's and attaching them to Roman Candles. I'm going to try to poke a hole in the ozone layer to let a little heat in. If that doesn't work I'm going to strap Algor to a surface to air missile and put his hot air to good use. Wouldn't it be ironic if we lowered greenhouse emissions and found out it caused global cooling? My carbon footprint? 17EEE.

Find Out Where He Lives

2009-01-17T18:02:00.000-08:00

There is an increasing amount of Christian bashing going on. Here is a question you can ask of a non-Christian. You are walking to your car in a deserted parking lot late at night. You become aware of a shadowy figure following you. Do you:
A. Hope he is a Christian.
B. Hope he is an Atheist.
C. Hope he is a Muslim.
or D. It makes no difference.
You may not get an honest answer but the person you ask will know a little more about himself.

Man House

2009-01-13T05:19:00.000-08:00

Some differences between a house and a "Man House"

House: First floor laundry.
Man House: First floor work shop.

House: Frig with a cold water dispenser.
Man House: Frig with cold beer dispenser.

House: 50 inch flat screen HD tv with a gazillion channels
Man House: 50 inch flat screen HD tv with a gazillion channels minus Oprah/Ellen/Hallmark/lifetime channels

House: Garbage disposal in sink.
Man House: Housekeeper that takes out the garbage.

House: Smoke detector.
Man House: Smoked ham.

New Years Resolutions

2009-01-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

Eat less roughage.
Never eat 3 double cheeseburgers in one setting.
Never start a plumbing job on a weekend when a plumber is not available.
Never put up wall paper unless you intend to move before it needs to come down.

After Christmas Thoughts (Marked Down)

2008-12-26T20:29:00.000-08:00

I wanted to stand outside the mall and ask people-"Just what are you celebrating?"

Female shoppers will always outnumber males but I would guess the day with the highest % of male shoppers is December 24Th.

Christmas spirit apparently does not apply to mall parking lots.

Every year retailers claim to have a "dismal Christmas season". This year they may be right.

Seeing symbols of other religions along side the nativity scene reminds me that picking a religion today is all about fashion. "Honey, Does the Charismatic Christian or the Christian Scientist go with this dress?" "Does Buddhism make me look fat?" "Is the party Black Muslim Optional?"

ALL THOUGHTS FINAL-NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES

Billy Bob's Christmas Card

2008-12-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

I been gettin a lot of Christmas letters this year. You know, where they tell ya everythin that went on in the last year so as to make ya real jealous. I thought I would write y'all one.

Hey Y'all. Mary Christmas. I thought I would fill ya in on the goins on in our family over the last year. I got married again to a wonderful girl-Betty Jo. She's real smart. In fact she expects to graduate for junior high this year. I reckon the third time is a charm. I feel very lucky cuz her other cousin wanted to marry her and she gets along real nice with my other 3 wives. Mama sends her love and expects to make parole the next time around. I see daddy a lot cus I have to drive by the underpass where he works holden a sign and collectin money. The kids are doing well in that there reformed school. I think it's helpen cuz they got picked up by the police only three times last year. Even the judge said he didn't want to see em in his courtroom no more and they aren't drinken near as much as they had been. We haven't got our tree yet. We are waitin for them to go on sale after Christmas. My job at the local Wall Mart is goin real good. I expect to make junior associate this year. It was worth stickin with em for these past 12 years. I'm hopen I can get the car off those blocks this year with that 10 cent an hour raise and my discount on tires. The economy has affected us real bad with the high price of ammo and jerky and all. My brother Paul's used car lot is doin good. He keeps most of em runnin. He did have a recent incident though. Seems like someone dumped a big old van in his yard. I suspect he will shoot him when he comes to pick it up. I don't know bout my other brother Jon. He keeps workin at that there liberal University and actin in those plays. Were thinkin he's light in the loafers if ya know what I mean. We may need to get some friends together and do one of them inventions. I'm real sorry that girl didn't win that vice president. She was the only one of those politicians I could understand. Y'all have a Mary Christmas-Billy Bob

Billosophy

2008-12-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

The moral temperature of a society can be taken by the amount of debt it has.

Society will reject God one day, be horrified at the natural consequences of a Godless society the next, and refuse to acknowledge the obvious cause and effect.

The Tell Tale Faucet

2008-12-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

Hour after hour. Day after day. Thump....... thump.....thump...The drip from the bathroom faucet, just a few feet from my bed. Thump.... thump.... thump. But I knew the terror that lurked underneath that single handled monster. Oh no. I knew this would be more than 2 washers and springs. I knew the fate that awaited me should I attempt to silence this Prince of Plumbing Darkness. Thump...thump...thump... I knew the corrosion that awaited me. I knew of the piping that had not been touched since the house was built. I knew of the nonexistent shut off valves. I knew of the water that if disturbed would flow from every crevice. So I resisted the call of this siren that would ensnare me in its copper web and cause me pain and suffering as one whose body was repeatedly bashed against the rocks of a stormy coast. Thump...thump...thump...as if to mock me! Thump...thump...thump...come and get me! I could no longer resist this insult to my manhood! I raced down to the basement and shut off Its life blood. I grabbed my tools and confronted my adversary. I applied my vice grip pliers to its throat and the battle was on! The battle raged all day with punch and counter punch. I tossed everything I had at the beast-fire/hack saw/Tru-Value Hardware. Finally, Bloodied and bruised I had done it! New faucet with shut off valves. Sure I felt the pain of battle but I was victorious. That night I basked in the aroma of Ben Gay while I relived the adventure of the day. I had fought and won. This would be a good sleepzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Thump...thump...thump...thump..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tales From An Amish Paridise

2008-11-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

A few thoughts while observing the people and visitors to Amish Land.

Who is responsible to clean up all that horse poop? It's everywhere.

In a pickle/jelly store they had an open area where one could observe them making jelly but could not take any pictures. I don't know why but I can respect that. I remember old cowboy movies there the Indians were afraid to have their picture taken as it may capture their soul. Pictures cause people to look back instead of forward.

I saw an Amish man using a laptop. ???

After seeing a couple of Red Hat Society women I think I'd like to start my own. How about-
-The Sarcastic Society (I have a good friend that can be a charter member).
-The Cranky Society
-The Menace To Society.

Of course they sold Amish purses. They had the full line of Vera Yoder Bags.

Tales From Black Friday

2008-11-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

I took took the ladies in my life shopping on Black Friday. Women need three things from a guy when they shop-a chauffeur, a credit card dispenser and a package holder. Sort of an unblessed trinity. One in person, 3 in job description.

While in an overpriced purse store I made a few observations. Judging by the amount of people buying overpriced purses with a C on them the recession is overrated. I'm thinking of opening a purse store and selling reasonably priced purses made in China to Christian women with a W/J on them. I saw a couple of guys picking out some purses for their loved ones. My advice to them: Pick the smaller lighter ones because one day you will have to hold it for hours on end while they shop on Black Friday.

I've never seen so many women in "The Zone". Question: How can you tell if a woman is in the shopping zone? Answer: They have the smile of a Stepford Wife and the eyes of Chucke Manson. People that believe in evolution will never explain the female shopping gene.

Finish Your Vegetables

2008-11-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

While looking at some Christian books I overheard a women say to her husband "Wow! Look at all those bibles! People in China could use those." It just reminded me how mothers would tell their children to eat their dinner cuz people were starving in China and the kids would want to pack up the food and mail it to them. For all we read and apply it maybe we should just send them ours.

Feeding Frenzy

2008-11-27T18:44:00.000-08:00

I'm reminded of Thanksgiving past. Usually start with a Manhattan and snacks then we would sit at the table for the next 8 hours. Start with the lasagna (one of my ancestors stowed away on the Mayflower) then move on to the turkey and fixings. Desert and coffee. Talk for the next hour or two then bring out the leftovers for round two. Getting up from the table only to go to the bathroom or take turns on the couch.

Oh! Christmas Tree!

2008-11-24T04:20:00.000-08:00

For most families, getting and putting up the Christmas tree is a festive occasion. The whole family gets in the car on a crisp winter day an heads off to find a tree. For me, on the other hand, the nightmare begins when I have to get off the couch and head down to the bowels of my dark basement to try to find the tree I put away last year. Their tree has the smell of pine while mine only smells when the plastic starts to burn. They bring out the tree decorations neatly put away from last year. After an hour long search I find a box of broken bulbs and tangled lights-half of which actually work. Their decorated tree looks Currier and Ives. Mine looks "Little Shop of Horrors". They celebrate with eggnog and a little rum for the adults while I need gin and major tranquilizers. Felice Navidad!

New Reality Show

2008-11-06T12:17:00.000-08:00

Cars are like people when they get old you are left with the decision to make them DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). For some reason I'm having trouble saying goodbye to my very rusted 1988 conversion van. Kind of an eyesore for the neighborhood that is too tall to hide in my garage. Today I took some spray paint and painted over the rust spots. It looked so much better (especially from my neighbors yard) I washed and waxed it. Total time spent-45 min.

This gave me an idea for a new reality show. "Trading Redneck Vehicle Makeover -Vehicle Up On Blocks Edition". We find some freeloading good for nothings with a vehicle up on blocks in the front yard. We give them $10 so the whole family can go to the local county fair. Then we spray paint the vehicle (no particular color), put tires on it(tread optional), install a gun rack and beverage holders. Then we put their porch couch in front of the vehicle. We gather their good for nothing friends and when they come home from the fair everyone shouts "Move that couch! Move that couch! Move that....."

Vote Early And Often

2008-11-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

Why do they have the aged and infirmed working polls? I believe one lady at my place had a dementia. She didn't get one name correct.

After I voted I felt the need for a shower.

The pathetic Pachyderms have squandered the political capital they once had.

ObamaOprah-OprahObama-ObamaOprah. Who will be Secretary of State? Dr. Phil??

Who will the AZZ party blame in 2 years? Ans: GWB.

My lillyliveredbleedinheartgunbanninathisticannoyingliberal coworker last night wondered what Abe Lincoln would say. I reminded her that he was a Pachyderm. Then I thought: It has been almost 150 years-about time. The fact that they both come from Illinois is fitting.

Mantra as last night's results came in: "God is in control. God is in control. God is..."

Choose Wisely Grasshopper

2008-11-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

It seams to me that the primary responsibility (not the only) of the federal government is to protect its citizens-see the defense budget. Logically we should be voting for people that we think will do the best job in this area. That said, ask yourself these questions. What federal candidates would do the best job in protecting Americans in these areas:

The unborn Americans. Who will protect them before they are born?
The very old Americans. Who will protect them from state assisted suicide?
The military. Who is less likely to put these guys unnecessarily in harms way or would give them the tools to complete their mission.
Homeland security. Who will best insure that the FBI/CIA has the tools they need while minimizing the loss of personal freedom in order to protect Americans from terrorist attacks?

Boiling Point

2008-11-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

A coworker of mine was telling me about a Rolling Baby Boomer article that implied that what the Veteran Presidential candidate had done as a POW was no different than all the other POWs. I agreed with him. All the POWs from all the wars were worthy of special honor. He persisted. The point he was trying to make was that it was nothing "special". My point was that they all were "SPECIAL". He was trying to minimize the one POW and in so doing he was minimizing all POW's.

Here was a person that had not served. Had not known war. Never missed a meal. Always had a comfortable bed. Had not had the prime years of his life riped from him let alone have any idea of what it was like to be a POW. My mind flashed back to how our solders were treated with disrespect during the Viet Nam war by the snot nosed boomers. I didn't understand how you could spit on your fellow Americans -most of which were drafted-who were only doing what the leaders of the country asked/told them to do. What had these solders done? They gave prime years, limbs, lives, mental health and some endured years of torture as a POW. Only to come home to be spit on. I was on the verge of losing what little self control I have.

I think it's funny how these boomers hang their little ribbons on their SUVs "I Support the Troops". Wow! What an awesome sacrifice! Do you really support the troops? Really? Apparently, the majority of the Troops favor the Veteran candidate. I would assume that they believe that he is the one who understands what it is like to be in the military and who would be less likely to make a silly az decision regarding their fate. Support the Troops? Put your vote where your ribbon is. By the way boomers, I believe the Viet Nam Vets are still looking for their apology.

The Man Chair

2008-10-31T06:55:00.000-07:00

There are two types of Man Chairs. The first is the most common. The big one in front of the TV set with the cup holder/surround sound/minifrig/microwave. The second one is less known but perhaps more functionally important. (No, not the Throne) It is that little chair in the bedroom. You know, the one guys throw their clothes on at night? They never do get hung up. I can live on "chair clothes"all week without going into my closet-work clothes/dress clothes/pj's. By the time I get around to cleaning off the chair most are laundry bound (or need to be burned). It's a guy thing.

The New State Religion

2008-10-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

We are entering an era of a new state religion in the country called the ABC religion or Anything But Christian. How so? CC Convenient Christians. That group is better called MEishtians. When it was easy personally, profitable and a member of an overwhelming majority they would proclaim it in the public square be it at work or in the neighborhood. Not anymore. That chunk of gutless flotsam has drifted into sewage bay because if the increase in both numbers of non-Christians and verbal attacks on Christians. It's now hard to be a Christian in the public arena so they surrender and become Vichy collaborators.

This is not a bad thing. The traitors have left. Sheep and goats are being separated. Churches can actually be stronger (although we will need less and smaller buildings). We will know who our true brothers are! Besides, I like being the underdog.

W/J Philosophy

2008-10-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

There are few things more humbling than spending and afternoon under the sink fixing a leak.

If you want to build a church with a solid foundation start mentoring every new man and welcome him into a fraternity of other men.

Some of the best church ministries are usually led by a person with a heart for God and a vision for God's people. Pastors should have the good sense to recognise these people, put aside their egos and support them.

Mow Insight

2008-10-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

While mowing the lawn (where I do my second best thinking) I was trying to figure out how I could better control my mostly unrighteous anger. Now the Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger. No problem here as I always let my anger out right away. (I know that's not what it means.) I was wondering what instruction Jesus gave us. What came to me in a revelation was the story of the woman caught in adultery. Remember what Jesus did? He started doodling in the dirt. I think he was really P. Oed at the hypocrites. I think he was so mad that he wanted the heavens to open up and rain stones down on them. He had another lesson in mind to teach so he started doodling-a sort of counting to ten-until they left his sight. I know I'm probably wrong here but if you see me doodling from now on it's best to steer clear and not to ask any questions.

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

2008-10-19T05:07:00.000-07:00

I can't wait for election day. Then I wont have to listen to my coworkers about how the new "messiah" will fix everything. I think that they will be shocked to learn that they are the ones who are "rich" and it is their "wealth" that will be "redistributed". Be careful what you ask for.
"And the Lord gave them over....."

Snow Peas Make It Stop!

2008-10-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

Met my friend for lunch at a Chinese restaurant. He ordered the cashew chicken but made a mistake and asked them not to put in those bitter round things but replace them with snow peas. Never ask for something different at a Chinese restaurant. Always order by number. What followed was a five minute discussion that left us wondering what he ended up ordering. The only thing we knew for sure was he ordered a Coke. I commend him for his patience. I felt my Tourette's kicking in.

I don't know why they give you two plates. The food on one and an empty one to scoop the food from the first plate onto. I prefer the direct route to my mouth. I know that this this is so people can share but I have no intention of sharing MY food. I must be part dog. If I like you that much you can just take from my plate. By the way he never did get his Coke. Bon Appetite!

A Rose By Any Other Name

2008-10-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

I recently saw an ad for "Clean Coal". Just by putting some nice word in front of a not so nice thing makes that thing seem better. Could coal ever be really clean? But this is a great idea. How about-"Odorless Flatulence", "Safe Nuclear Power", "Low-emission Vehicle", or may favorite "Painless Dentistry"?

The Nina, The Pinta, and The Yououtauminda

2008-10-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's time to get rid of Columbus Day. That day set aside to honor that thug responsible for stealing the U S of A for the native peoples. By the way what is the definition of "native"? This is not as easy as it seems. You see we have statues, festivals, and calender issues. The economic impact on the Italian foods industry would wreak havoc. Cannoli futures would plummet! I have a solution-"Amerigo Vespucci Day". After all, the country would have been nameless with out him. Or worse. Canada might have taken the name! Think of all the county songs this would have affected. This works in so many ways. The statues of CC will not have to come down a la Joseph Stalin. Just rename the statues. No one will know the difference. The Italian fest will go on insuring a season of sausage and peppers(aside from the state fair). Everything named for CC would be changed to AV. I would no longer be ashamed and can now proudly say I attended Amerigo Vespucci Elementary School!

He's Dead Jim

2008-10-13T06:19:00.000-07:00

Stick a fork in this government-It's done! This government was founded on Christian ideals-debate all you want but by and large Christian ideals. A system of checks and balances were put in place because the architects knew of the rot that hides inside the building materials. While NEVER perfect the building would remain relatively stable and functional provided the rot could be controlled. Year after year the Christian pillars are being replaced by pillars less able to resist infestation of the three stooges of viruses-greed, power, and sex. We are now past the point where this house will remain standing. The presidency has assumed much more power then intended partially because congress has abdicated it's responsibility and is focused on getting reelected in order to keep getting its fix. The supreme court? The dirty dozen has decided the make the constitution as they want it to be. As Christianity continues to fall so will the government it was built on. The great experiment is over.

Not Really

2008-10-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

Does one rest in a Restroom?

Does one get service at a Service Station?

Does one get plans for being a parent at Planned Parenthood?

It's Only A Movie

2008-10-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

Recently I paid 25 cents for the VCR (yes I still use it) movie "Patton". Good movie, interesting guy. A lot of what he said is timeless for example: "Politicians are the worst; They'll wear their country's flag in public, but they'll use it to wipe their as is in the caucus room if they think it will gain them a vote." Some others:

"If everyone is thinking alike, no one is thinking."
"Do everything you ask of those you command."
"It's the unconquerable soul of man, not the nature of the weapon he uses, that insures victory."
"Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men."
"The leader must be an actor." Think Ronald Reagan.

God help me but I love this guy!

Let The Stoning Begin

2008-10-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

Just hear me out. I believe in SOME ways it is better to go to church and then go home. Best not to know anyone or be involved in anything. Get in, worship, pay, listen and get out. You're picking up stones aren't you? Let the first person who goes to church to worship and receive the Word without "baggage" cast the first stone. Some of you are putting down your stones. For the others, when you walk through the door on Sunday do have some petty criticism over something. How the pastor preaches, the choice of songs by the worship leader, some ministry disagreement, how someone dresses, difficulty with another believer and on and on. Now I know this is our sin and we probably should be working on it but do we? So week after week we come to church with the baggage that detract from the reason we are there. I know we need Christian fellowship. Just fellowship with like minded believers from OTHER churches. To those of you that do not have this problem I commend you and envy you. Fire at will!

The Scientific Method?

2008-10-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

Why do people say, "I experimented with drugs."? Did you start with a hypothesis? Design an experiment? Have a control group? Was it a double blind study? Did you reach a conclusion? Were your results published? Please stop saying you experimented with drugs. Just say "I took drugs cuz I wanted to." It was not a scholarly pursuit.

Hyphenates

2008-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

Years ago it became fashionable to name your child using the fathers and mothers last name. For example the dads last name is Asa and mom's is Stolp the child's last name is Asa-Stolp. Now these kids grow up and two hyphenates get married have kids. Double hyphenates. You could end up with Asa-Stolp-Eddie-Diaz.

Back when I was learning to write my name-I think it was third grade-we had these big fat pencils and ultra wide lined paper. Being from the land of the boot my full name contains almost every vowel and uses most twice. After writing it I had no room on the paper for anything else. If I had married a polish woman my hyphenate child's name would contain every letter in the alphabet.

Incoming

2008-10-01T05:56:00.000-07:00

When did the church abdicate Its responsibility to preach moral responsibility?? Yes Sola Fida-faith alone. Paul knew this but he still blasted those people of the churches that lived as the non-believers. What would he say to congregations today? In fact, what would he say to the coward Sheppard who refuse to speak out about the wretchedness around us or their failure to rebuke the sheep grazing in the forbidden pasture? Are they also under the subtle seduction or afraid of scaring away someone? If I wanted to join a country club I'd join one with a pool and fitness center.

God set apart his people to be a Holy Nation to live not as the gentiles. We look back at God people of the OT and think them idiots to disobey God. We must really give them a good laugh! How can a church not address this? How does a church not transmit this message through men's/woman's/youth ministries? Our minds are being renewed everyday by the world. Shouldn't churches combat this?

The Good Life

2008-09-30T06:33:00.000-07:00

I overheard a conversation between two women one of which is recently separated. Apparently her husband had made a deposit in a different bank and she was closing his account. She asked the other woman "Why do men cheat?". I though to myself a better question would be "Why do some men and women remain faithful?" Isn't the answer to this more helpful?

Certainly not a new problem but I would say that in the last 50 years Satan and its willing accomplice Mankind (men AND women) have gone multimedia. From the time we get out of bed our senses are attacked on every front. Those people born in the last 30 years cannot see that they are living in a sewer because this is all they have known so it is the "norm". Many of the rest of us have grown accustomed to the stench and no longer smell it or care to. It still smells like sheeet to me and at times is overwhelming. Say what you want but at a time when seeking pleasure at all costs has become socially acceptable, the sum total of today's "good life" is one of a misery far greater then it has ever been. Think not? The women above was crying and had just gotten off the phone with her children who were crying because mommy and daddy were not together. Yup. The good life.

Magic Bus

2008-09-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

Some days I have to take a shuttle bus into work and lately the bus has been crowded so I have to stand. I still believe in giving your seat up to a woman. A view apparently not shared by other "gentlemen". I really don't mind standing except for the fact I suffer from Buslexia. A condition whereby one is totally incapable of keeping one's balance when the bus stars and stops. Now I have played sports and consider myself a coordinated person but when the bus starts I have to assume the fireman's pole grip for fear of ending up on the floor. The other riders must think I'm practicing for my night job.

I thought of a new Olympic sport-Extreme Bus Balance Beam. The competitors must do their routine in a high top bus while the the bus drives through an obstacle course. Add a few explosions for a touch of drama. That should send those underage Chinese gymnasts home crying to their mommas.

Blissfully Incompetent

2008-09-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

You probably have met a few incompetent people in management positions in the workplace. Have you ever wondered what goes through their minds when they make stupid decisions or do stupid things? I mean things that are blatantly asinine to you and almost everyone else? You ask yourself "Can't they see their own stupidity?" According to a study I found-they can't.

They have Stevie Wondervision when they look upon their decisions. They suffer from Marypoppinsm-Practically perfect in every way and they also have an inflated view of their own grey matter. They rank themselves in the top third in intelligence when in fact they actually score in the bottom third. Not only are they incapable of seeing incompetence in themselves but are also incapable of seeing it in others. Classic management material.

Road Kill

2008-09-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Pennsylvania must have a new state motto. While driving down I 81 I saw many many signs that said "Be prepared to stop".

I figure I'm halfway home to becoming a biker. I have a leather jacket and a bandanna. All I need now is a bike and a bald spot bikers my age have.

LOTR-The Return of the Baby Boomers

2008-09-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

Remember in the 60's when the Cry Baby Boomers had it all figured out? They rejected their parent's view of right and wrong and thought they had a better way. How did that work out?

PARENTS WORK ETHIC-They rejected the work ethic of the previous generation that gave prosperity to this nation. They were slothful and slacked and hid behind the protection of their labor union who demanded more and more wages and benefits until companies fled overseas. Those that took over the family business built on long hours of hard work promptly drove it into the ground.

SAVE THE EARTH-Most baby-boomers are consuming goods at break-neck speed causing boom in manufacturing (in other countries) along with the resultant pollution. They have no place to put all the trash that results from spontaneous consumption. They drive SUVs and cry about the price of oil and clammier for more drilling.

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR-All that "Free love" came with a price- STD's, spread of AIDS, broken homes, emotional trauma and unwanted pregnancies. They had to do something about unwanted pregnancies so the legalized abortions. Over 44 million and counting. (Should I put this under "war against the unborn" or is it a "pollution problem" above?) There may be some poetic justice on the horizon. This generation that is left to pick up the tab left by the baby boomers may find it too expensive to care for the upcoming Aged Boomers and may therefore label them a "pollution problem" also.

I know I'm painting with a broad brush but just remember. Painting with a broad bush may get some paint on the trim but it sure covers well.

LOTR -The Mary-Kate and Ashley Towers

2008-09-21T17:41:00.000-07:00

I love the scene at the end when evil army has surround the rag-tag group of fighters. Aragorn draws his sword and gives a stirring speech to his men to stand and fight. I say to myself that I would stand and fight. Then I thought, no, I'd probably run.

Any doubt we are surrounded by evil today? We are outnumbered. The "Christian Army", once formidable now finds itself decimated by defectors and many of those who wear the uniform (claim to be Christian) are AWOL. Yet there are those heroes who do bravely stand and fight! I will stand with them if only to annoy my adversaries.

Lord Of The Ring Dings

2008-09-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching all three Lord of the Rings that a friend had given me to watch. I didn't want to because I saw the first one and didn't understand a thing. It may be because I came in 15 min late and never read the book. So here I am with 752 hours of this epic. What is a LOTRtarded person to do? Sparkcliff notes and a remote with a fast forward!! This worked great! It was like LOTR on 'roids!

Is there that certain someone in your life that has difficulty following what is going on in a move and is constantly asking you questions while you are trying to follow the movie yourself? Get her (oops!) Sparkcliff notes.

The Redheaded Stepchild

2008-09-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

It seems like churches don't know how to handle the Holy Spirit. Most churches like to keep the HS in the closet. A lot like the family that has one child that may say or do something embarrassing in front of company. "Yes. We have three children, Sally, Bobby and HS." They may mention his name but rarely talk about him and you never see him. In other churches the HS is an only child that the parents like to parade about. He is obnoxious and out of control while his parents smile approvingly at everything he does or say.

If the HS is what Jesus sent to live inside of us shouldn't we be talking more about him and learn who he is? Perhaps he is too mystical for the church to handle.

Dictionary Additions

2008-09-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

New words some of my friends have come up with.

STUPILITY: When a stupid idea meets the opportunity to do it. At one time associated with southern beer drinken' males but now is applied to all elected officials.

COMPUTERTARDED: A person that has absolutely no clue how to do anything on a computer no matter how many times they are shown. You know who you are!

WORKFAIR: Not a new term but a new meaning. Getting paid for doing nothing. The term now applies to middle management and that coworker of yours.

FLUSHOFOBIC: People who refuse to flush after using a public facility leaving an unpleasant surprise for the next user. You thought only dogs marked their territory?

PASSAFIST: A person who has the urge to push the four knuckles on his hand through the face of some of the moron Hollywood "celebrities" who think they know how to run this country.

SHIFFOBRAIN: See Hollywood "celebrities" above.

Hurricane Season

2008-09-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yes we are in the middle of hurricane season. Every night a hurricane blows through my bedroom. Not what you think. You see my wife is very hot-in many ways. The bedroom is too warm for her (must be me) so she turns a fan that runs all night. When this thing runs its a category 5. I've had to board up the windows from the inside and put all lose objects away. I have a air mattress on the floor in case I get blown out of the bed. There are whitecaps in the toilet and every morning I wake up with fan head. This will end soon when the cold weather arrives and hurricane Igottahavadafanon is over-till next year.

The Right Prescription

2008-08-31T16:45:00.000-07:00

Just thinking here. We go to church -as a group-to give praise and honor to God. That is always number one. What else? We could list many things but I would say that if we were honest with ourselves we would have to admit we come also to be ministered to. I don't think this is selfishness on our part. Where else should we go?

We can think of the church as a hospital, the "minister" as a doctor and us as patients. Doctor/ministers tend to be specialists in that they become very comfortable in a particular style. Some may be expositors of God's word, some are relational, expressive, in the "spirit". They tend to be very good in their "specialty". Patients, however come in with various "illnesses" requiring different treatments. It is too much to ask of a doctor/minister to be able to treat all these patients on a Sunday morning. What is the patient to do when his doctor-while very good in his own specialty- is not able to minister to him? Is the patient expected to return week after week to get the same medicine that is not helping? What do you think?

Soy Onara!

2008-08-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

Why do the call it Soy milk? Are there Soy cows? Are there little mammary glands on the soy beans? Who would have small enough hands to milk them? Where would chocolate milk come from? frijoles negros? Is it extra gaseous because it's beans and milk? Can you buy 1% or lactose free?

Got Jesus?

2008-08-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not that big on wearing Christian T shirts. I have always felt that how you live your life-the good, the bad and the ugly,- speaks more than words on a shirt. However for the second straight year I wore my "Got Jesus?" shirt to the State Fair. Last year I got the usual "Yes I do!" responses but this year was different. Very strange vibe that is hard to put into words. This year people thanked me for wearing it and were more animated. They seemed relieved to see another believer. I found this troubling. Is this how Chinese Christians feel when they find another believer in China? Despite the statistics, TRUE Christians are a minority in this country. Perhaps we should all start wearing Christian shirts and bumper stickers to encourage fellow believers.

Food Fight

2008-08-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was telling me about the new restrictions on what kinds of snacks can be brought to school to share. For example the snack cannot contain more than 30 % fat. Why? How about less homework and encourage kids to play outside. Will the focus on weight increase the already high rate of anorexia? Should we fire fat teachers for being a bad example?

Where does this stop? Will I be pulled over by police by having an open twinkee package in the car? Will I have to take a road side body fat test? Will there be a registry for fat people? Will we be alerted when a fat person moves into our neighborhood? Will fat people not be able to reside within 2 miles of a school? Will fat parents be accused of being "unfit" to raise children?

Thankfully kids can still get birth control or have abortions without parents consent.